Identity Death in Motherhood.
When you’re pregnant with your first child, you know you’re on the precipice of a really big life change. As your belly grows, people are constantly sharing unsolicited comments like,
“You better enjoy your sleep now!”
“Say goodbye to sex!”
“You’re going to be so tired!”
You may have friends with babies who have experienced postpartum depression. And you’re wondering, will that be me? When I was pregnant with my first, I asked my mother if I would be lonely. I couldn’t imagine still feeling like myself if I was spending all my hours alone with a baby.
Yes, your nights and your relationship with your partner are going to feel different, but don’t you have the sense that there’s something even bigger about to shift within you? Because it’s so much more than gathering the baby items and preparing to step away from work for a while.
You are going to change.
You are going to shed your maiden self and step into your mother-self. You are going to walk through the fire and emerge transformed.
You are going to see your body, your childhood, your partner, and your purpose in life with a brand new perspective.
You are going to experience grief.
You are going to let go of A LOT.
And chances are you’re not prepared for this shift because none of us are. Our culture does not acknowledge this monumental identity death inherent in motherhood. Our culture does not even acknowledge that women have unique needs after babies are born. You’re just supposed to fall in love with your baby, take excellent care of him or her, and then go back to kicking ass at work.
I endured the death of my former self all through the first year of my first child’s life without having a name for it. I had no language to describe what I was going through. I searched for evidence of my experience in books and in conversations with other mothers but it eluded me until I had my second child.
After the birth of my second son, there was another layer of surrender that I had to embody. I had no choice and it was so hard. But once my second was about one year, I found that I was finally, firmly planted in my motherhood identity.
And now that I’m on the other side - 8+ years into motherhood and 4+ years into birthwork - I know that we need more conversations that frame motherhood as an identity death. I know that if we’re able to acknowledge and prepare for this transformation, we will have less postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. And if we have ceremonial rites through which to process grief and loss, then it won’t be able to hijack our early mothering experience.
We were designed to break completely open during birth, sit in the painful vulnerability and then slowly rebuild our identity as mother with LOTS of help and support from elders, mothers, sisters, grannies and friends.
Hear more of my thoughts on identity death in motherhood in this conversation.